This Is What Loving You Meant To Me

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Despite this complication—him liking the person that I am, him being surprised at the amount of effort I put in just to win him over, the comfort he feels in my presence, but him not seeing himself in a relationship with me—as I see the dust settling in, a part of me is in clash between praying that things could have been different and just giving it all up.

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Meeting him was this: smelling the intoxicating scent of the morning dew, seeing the rare blossoming of the jasmine buds, seeing the brightest gleam of the sun after the rain, experiencing an intense euphoria atop the highest peak of the mountain as the sun breaks out of the cloud banks. It’s me tasting a wine I promised not to taste. A whole new experience I am willing to take. Continue reading “This Is What Loving You Meant To Me”

Coffee Lover

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I remember the small white room, glazed in yellow streaks of light from the bulbs that hum silently and the smell of espresso and caramel and mocha mixing and intoxicating the air in perfect chemistry. We were strangers then—trying to unlock the mystery behind the brew we love.

So you mean I am strong and sweet? You asked, a hint of curiosity in your eyes.

You said your favorite and I tried to interpret it, like how I’ve interpreted my feelings for you before this day.

Mocha is sweet and has a strong after-taste. I’ve never tasted pure Americano before so I can’t really tell. I answered.

We sighed. I toyed with the bag of sugar left in disposal. We were trying to feel the moment, trying to figure out the next words to say. I don’t want the air to be left damp and empty and so I managed to say:

I would love to taste that Americano one day and see what brew we’ll make and share. We smiled.

The night grew old and we bid our goodbyes. My heart sunk and poignancy but I waived nonetheless. Before I turned, before our connection’s lost, I asked:

Can I see you again some other time?

You answered. Yes. When we’re both free. I’d love to know what that Americano taste will be.

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10 Real Struggles of a Working, Young Adult, Introvert

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  1. Your friends decided to attend a new club’s opening event and all of a sudden your head flushed down into this frenzy of crazy ideas fanning from the Holocaust, Black Death, Great Fire of London to 9/11. And to make the matters more terrifying, they ask you what you’re going to wear at which you dropped the subtle yet obvious excuse “naah, I’ll just pass. My mom’s asking me to be home early. Important personal matter.
  2. It’s payday and you are itching to go out and explore with the wealth you just acquired. You started texting your friends to go with you but they’re all “sorry man, can’t go out today” or “I’m going out with Amanda” (like you know who Amanda is) or “we’re having a team outing.” So you decided to go out alone and get that “everyone’s watching you like you have some funny thing on your face” look from the people around.
  3. Due to a sudden—spur of the moment—elation, you invited a friend to go out on hiking because you know she likes anything that involves backpacks and the engaging great outdoors. But when the day comes, you realize that you’d rather curl up on bed and contemplate on life and how to face the wild world while listening to some Spotify playlist while concocting the perfect excuse for canceling the plan…at the last-minute.
  4. You got squared off and have no choice but to attend a party with friends. At first you’re kind of enjoying it, bobbing like a cork screw up and down in sync with the beat and a drink at hand. But when you start to feel suffocated and inhibited, you start to sweat and get that feeling that everyone’s whispering about how stupid you look and you just want to run out, away.
  5. You are walking alone at the mall in search for whatever it is you are looking for while waiting for a friend and you start to feel claustrophobic and you feel like the whole precipice is caving in on you. You immediately snatch your phone, pretend to dial a number and started acting like you’re talking to someone even though you don’t have cell credits. Bummer.
  6. Most introverts are asocial—they don’t feel comfortable around a crowd and panics when confronted with real-life situations like getting lost in the city. Then, you finally summoned the courage to ask someone for the direction but didn’t quite catch it. So you pretended to know and got lost even more. Shame.
  7. So you finally met someone and that someone is really really cute and funny and carefree and nice to talk with. The problem is you don’t know how to make the conversation going. You have ideas in mind spanning from Taylor Swift’s cats, to slam book-esque type of questions, to new Colleen Hoover novel, and coffee. Good luck with that.
  8. You wanted to make a change in your life but you don’t know where to start. It’s a struggle to decide on something and really stick to it like your life depends on it. I suggest you read For The Introvert That Wants To Make A Difference In The World. I think it’s a good guide.
  9. You wanted to belong but you are clueless how. They said you have to define yourself first before you’ll know how to belong. But this I say, don’t even try to do it. Defining yourself means you are setting boundaries, parameters, for yourself. That will only limit you. Be an introvert that does whatever things under the sun.
  10. Getting caught up in a situation where you can’t quite comprehend the feeling that you should feel. It’s a real struggle when you’re awarded with something real and special and yet you don’t know if you should feel happy or ashamed or anxious because you also don’t know how to react on that situation.

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Now Let This Be My Goodbye

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The most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said or left unexplained.

I want this to be my goodbye—the sun had already set for us and the morning star can’t light our way out of the dark night. The senseless crashing of the waves against the shore echoes the rage deep within me but I have nothing left to fight about and the horizon is draped in red and orange and yellow, a tapestry of a perfect illusion, something that we can’t replicate anymore. We have carelessly threw the words out and left each other beaten and hurt beyond repair; destroyed each other beyond recognition.

I understand we are still in the process of growing up, fixing ourselves with the broken pieces that our previous affairs left us with. But growing up means we are going to loss people whom we thought will stay, people whom we thought will accept the series of good and bad in us, people whom we thought will catch us when we fall. And no books or American TV series or Antoinette Jadaone movies can prepare us for those crashing moments. Continue reading “Now Let This Be My Goodbye”

The Moment I Knew

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Do you remember the very first time it felt normal—home—like we’ve already met some other life time before? I was wearing my Red Shirt. You watched me with curious eyes that hinted a ghost of fascination and admiration; a kaleidoscope of wonder playing like our favorite Taylor Swift song.

Do you wanna get a cup of coffee? I asked.

You smiled inwardly at the close familiarity and commonality we have.

I’d rather it be a brewed coffee. Four creamer, four sugar. You replied.

I felt the connection solidified beyond destruction. A solid fortress that can’t be sledgehammered.

I held you dear since then, like I would hold my treasured shirt so close. I embraced the sweet scent of your honey brown hair and the weird way your brush it that way. I’ve accepted all the series of past—good or bad—and I just keep on falling on every step we take together.

And that was the moment that made us feel at home. That was the moment I knew.

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