The Day I Decided To Block The Noise Of All The Red Emotions

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There is a line to a Taylor Swift song that, for me, would clearly define what it feels like to love someone who will never ever reciprocate your feelings the way you want it to be. It is a line that’s captivated me that when I look back to the mundane state I am always thrown into whenever I always find myself in love with someone, I couldn’t help but feel like hitting a brick wall and just exploding right there and then. It says, “we fall in love ’til it hurts or bleeds or fades in time.” This line speaks much about that moment when our eyes were enchanted by the beauty of someone that we are rendered speechless. Moments when we feel a dam of unexplainable emotions just bursts free and there is no stopping. Moments when you hit the gas pedal and you go from zero to hundred miles per hour until you just hit a wall and never recover. Ultimately, moments that would always bring us to the brink of breaking down and would always push us to take a leap; to take that fearless step, head-first, without looking beyond the hedges for walls we know we shouldn’t hit.

My most recent experience with falling in love had taught me more than what my previous experiences had. I’ve learned to hide what I know I needed to show just so I can keep myself sane while completely free-falling into an abyss of red emotions. I’ve seen how I binge into the idea of you and me and it’s miserable and magical and sad and beautiful and tragic at the same time. I’ve reached the point when I’ve almost dialed your number and call you in the middle of the night one weekend but decided not to while I was just outside your door. I’ve experienced self pity and I’ve become mean and indifferent. 

And now the dust is starting to settle and I can finally see clearly, I’ve realized that these are moments I will always remember but would never want to take back because there’s always something to be said about feeling a little crazy when you are in love. There is a lesson behind every jaded eyes, at the back of every laughter and smiles. There is dignity in turning your back from things that shatters and breaks you to pieces, in choosing to save yourself from all these ethereal pains. And most importantly there is something to be proud of about coming out scathed yet strong.

But, one thing I’ve learned from this roller-coaster ride is that, admitting your feelings to someone you love or like is the hardest because all of us are vulnerable to having our hearts broken and our feelings rejected. All because we received “thank you”s instead of “I love/like you too”s.

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