About three things I am absolutely positive; first, you are in love with someone, and that someone will never be me. Second, there is a part of me that wishes for that someone to be me and that is just insane considering you will never spare me a thought. And third, you are the second woman I’ve fallen deeply in love with.
I never saw it coming. It was just a spur of the moment that never left. Had I known that it would end up like this, I should have never considered becoming your friend to start with. But I could never lie to myself, I can try to deny and negate every feeling and every thought and every second spared thoughts but I could never lie to myself in admitting that meeting you was one of the best chapters ever written.
By now, it’s already obvious and out that I am not myself for the past week. You have already noticed the cold treatment and I know you know why. It was hard for me to try to put into spoken words the reason why I chose to do it. But even more so, to try and really admit the real reason. But since there’s no point of hiding it anymore, no point of still trying to mum over what’s already obvious, I’ll write about it now.
For the last couple of weeks I have once again been thrown into a cavernous pit of melancholy that totally altered my views about two concepts: friendship and love. And redefining these two concepts took a lot of its toll on me; at the expense of something great.
It kills me to thinking about how happy you are with him, how he makes you a totally different person and how you are liking the way it is. You like how he eclipses you and more importantly, you like how it makes you almost whole.
You tell me stories of him and I listen while I feel the firewall inside me crumble to pieces, your words are like sledgehammer constantly banging and making me vulnerable…defeated. But I continue to listen. I even advised you to take it slow and do not make hasty moves when that advice could have applied to me. But I did what I have to do as a friend. Because that’s all that I can be.
Overtime I saw how he makes you happy and how it makes you complete again. And in the silence of my secrete sighs, I’ve started to finally take it down and start the agonizing process of acceptance. You see, I know when to lay my armour down when I could have kept fighting. But even so, I don’t even know if I was fighting for something, debating whether there was even a battle to be won.
But then I learned that he hurt you and you told me how he shamed you and I could not be just maybe and bear witness to something I will never do to you. But what’s even more maddening is you still can love him with all the broken pieces that he left you. I was trying to debate for days now the choice you made and how it will eventually be of benefit to you versus how it will lead to your unbecoming. But I guess there’s no rationalizing over your hard-felt feelings for him. That is how decided you are. That is how unfazed you are.
Defeated once more, I laid my armor down again and allowed you to be eclipsed again by him.
But it has forever changed me. And I know you know that. I am sorry if I can no longer be the same as I was before. I know you asked me to be there to catch you if these will all stop and help you pick up the pieces. But I can only do so much. I know you won’t fall. You won’t allow it. Your love for him is strong that is more than enough for you to hold on.
But I can feel my morale and my heart broken and defeated beyond recognition and repair. I am now an entirely new person changed by the blows of the sledgehammer that you are. You have thought me to be strong and to make hardcore decisions and now I am making them. I have to let go of what we were and start anew. To pick up the sugar-fine pieces on the floor that was my heart and put it back together.
I am sorry if I can’t be there anymore to bring you back to reality but I guess your other friends can do that even better. They will tell you what you want to hear unlike me…who tells you what you need to hear.
The past month had been a struggle but you were there to help me. Out of pity? Or because you somehow felt that it was obligatory? Whatever. I know that that is now gone. Replaced by something more amazing and beautiful and worthwhile. One where you don’t have to worry every now and then.
I am done fighting and wishing that one day I will be someone for you. I am not so sure about what will happen next, all that I know is that I don’t know how to be something you’d miss and that your name will always be the name on my lips.
This whole unbecoming was my doing and I alone can make me whole again. I will now withdraw because that is the only way to start saving myself from what is inevitable and save what little I still have of the old me. Yes, we might have been lost in translation and I might have asked for too much. But these all have to end now.
And it will start with my emotions’ demise. It will start with my backing up and packing up. It will start with my end. I will now set myself free because I’m now too tired of always falling into your gravity.