It’s all over now.
The autumn leaves are falling unceasingly, dead brown leaves falling into place. The chilly wind sends shivers down my spine and it startled me to think that I can still feel after all. I am still capable of feeling emotions . . . but I know it’s nothing from what I used to know. Those emotions are now alien to me, almost non-existent.
The wind blows cold against my skin, I gripped my coat tighter around me.. My hair flying free with the breeze, but I keep my head down because the world needs not to know that something has changed. I don’t need the world to know that it ended. I don’t want them to see the empty cavity in my chest where a beating heart used to lay.
I passed by Schueter’s where we once used to get our latte. Once. Used. Past tense. Sigh. I can smell the aroma of the coffee sifting thru the open window and as much as I try to block the memories from flashing back, they came unbidden like film strips and there’s no stop button. It cripples me. And to make matters more crippling, I sat down there allowing me to be devoured by the haunting past of you and me.
I just sat down there, miserable, observing all the people who pass by me. Observing how the world can still go on without noticing that someone has died. Sounds absurd but yes, I died two nights ago when you decided to leave me without explaining the whys. You left me without turning back, without rendering me second glances. You left me there staring at the sunset that never came.
That night, I turned to all medical prescriptions available to heal my shattered heart. Sleeping pills, antihistamine, taking it in in double dose. The stronger, the better. I have no rational explanation, all I know is I need to forget, I need to get lost and not feel this crashing feeling. I need to get away. Fast. I need to save myself from my own emotions that are caving in on me. But I wasn’t able to get that miracle. The medicines proved to be useless and irrational. Because no matter how strong the dosage is, I know I need a stronger dosage of You. Not any over-the-counter pills, but over-the-counter You.
I yearn for your existence. I want to feel again. I want to feel your soft hands caressing my skin again, I want to feel that shiver your touch brings. I want to feel the jitters in my stomach ten minutes before you fetch me for a date. I want to sing the songs we used to sing on the karaoke. I want to be intoxicated by that close familiarity of your scent, my personal heroine. I want to feel you again, us, two physical beings, moving as one, existing as one in quantum universe.
If I yearn for you, will you come to my rescue?
I slip my hands down my pockets in search for nothing in particular. I stand up and buried my face down behind the collars of my coat, hiding the tears that are now falling unceasingly like the autumn leaves. They are falling into place. I can picture you, us, in one slow dance from a distant memory. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.
And once again, I did not resurface.