How about a not-so-melancholic entry for tonight?
I know that in the past six months my space was gaining dusts and cobwebs and I am partially to be blamed. Coming clean, I’ve never really given much thought to putting myself into words again, especially when work-related roundabouts keep on pushing and pulling my already-divided and not-so-focused attention.
Six months passed in a flashing blur. Six months since I left Zamboanga to work in Cebu. I can still remember the desperate cry of needing to have a job after graduation, the need to move out and explore; the thirst for independence after 20 long years of living under your parents’ roof. All those selfish and unaccounted for hunger and thirst and desires are after-effects of the post-graduation syndrome.
I’ve had an amazing time in the last five months or so, actually. I’ve gained weight, that’s obvious. I learned to love my job no matter how disobligingly demanding it can get (all the time), and I came to love the new faces I am seeing every day. Who would’ve thought that I’d make it this far?
I’ve started to share special bond with some people in the office. You can say that I’ve grown fond of her due to the fact that, like me, she is also not a native of Cebu. We came to this city with wide-eye optimism with only our hopes and dreams for the future and a pocket-full of sunshine.
I could honestly say that having that bond motivated me to work, having that bond made me feel that I have finally found a home away from home. Something about our bond felt like home somehow. And every day, like clockwork, we would sit together and share stories of the past hours we did not see each other and laugh at jokes. And every day, just like clockwork, we would go out for lunch and break together and I would walk her home after the days’ work.
But recent event drew us apart. It’s a twist of fate no one saw coming. Or perhaps she saw it coming but chose to shrug it off looking beyond the possibility of it coming to a worst. And it did.
And now the plot keeps on playing like a Taylor Swift song; a tune of melancholy with a distant memory of a very happy storyline. Now I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here, ‘cause I remember it all too well.
It changes a lot, of course. For one, this whole situation of who-could-act-like-the-careless has affected the way I do my job. My productivity is at stake every day. My jealousy keeps on popping out of the void. And it is a sad reality that in these times of despair, I have no shoulder to cling to, no helping hand extended, and I have lost hope that I can still fix this.
I never wanted this to happen. But perhaps the universe allowed it to teach me a life-long lesson but it has to be done at the expense of something, someone, very important. I want to grow up, maturely. I want to make sound decisions without involving any ounce of personal emotions. I want to live up to a better character, a better me. I don’t want to create a different me. I want it to be me but a better version. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll find my way back to you.