Sad, Beautiful, Tragic

I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t . . .

IUntitled felt I am being vacuumed by an invisible force, crashing my lungs to oblivion and I can’t breathe. I want to scream but my lungs are weak, I am trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill with all my might but first, I have to get myself out of this precipice that’s caving in on me.

The elevator took it’s time loading and unloading tenants from 6th floor down.

A beep on the 5th floor plunged me back to that first lunch break we’ve had. When I was so hesitant to go with you knowing your boyfriend will come along. I was okay with the idea that your bestfriend, Reena, will join us, that was a given. But with your boyfriend? Scary. Still, with wide-eyed gaze and a slightly trembling gut, I went with you.

The silent hum of the elevator as it went further down brought my reverie back to that day when I first addressed you using your first name. It used to make me smile knowing that our friendship is making progress and that we’re on first name basis now. I still remember when I started joking at you, adding the title you hate because it sounded way off and beyond accepting – Mem.

The double doors slide open when two girls stepped out, beyond, despite the already blurry vision, I saw the two of us laughing at a joke I threw while we were supposed to be busy calling our clients. I made you laugh genuinely and I couldn’t help but offer myself a tap on my back for doing so. I never knew I am capable of making anyone laugh, but you changed that. You made me believe in myself.

But all of these are just distant memories now. All of these are just part of some forgotten line in a movie, forgotten tone of a song, a rush of breathless delight. Much has been said about realizing ones importance when it’s already gone. Lightning don’t strike the same place twice, which I know of.

And so I ran out of the building on full sprint, I ran out under the gloomy Wednesday night until my lungs would burst. I ran away because that’s what I am good at. I ran away from what was supposed to last.

I ran and heard the voices inside my head saying it’s all your fault and you have to face the consequences of your action. I ran because I made a stupid mistake, a childish one, which forced you to walk out of my already-miserable life. I ran because I said words which I can no longer take back without swallowing my pride.

I ran without realizing that if I continue – which I did – I will ever be able to have you back, I’ll never have what closeness we’ve had. I ran ignoring the facets that I am throwing away all the good stories we’ve shared and good laughs we’ve had. I ran having little comprehension that each step I take is a step close to oblivion and the certainty that you will no longer accept me in your life.

I regret the decisions I made that brought me face to face with this situation and I’d go back in time and change it . . . but I can’t. So if the chain is on your door, I’d understand.



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