I felt absolutely hideous after crying last night. I hadn’t slept well; my eyes are bulging my head aches. Not even the innocent sweet chirping of the birds can uplift my mood. I was ninety-nine point nine percent sure that this day will not be the day that I expect it would be – a smooth, flawless and happy day. The anxiety seemed to ratchet up the intensity of the pounding in my head.
I got dressed and got ready for school. I was in a rush to be out of the house; I didn’t even eat breakfast.
School is school as usual. My friends were talking in the corridor outside our room. A friend of mine is waiting for me, but that’s not what I saw first. At the opposite corridor stands the One of…of…no thousand words can describe her meaning in my life.
I got inside our room; still silent even until my friend is now by my side. I saw my reflection in the mirror. Still something from my eyes say that I was not in the mood. There is something buried in my eyes but I’m not sure what it is – and it scared me.
I tried to open something to talk to with my friend but careful not to bring up what happened last night that caused the reddening of my eyes. It’ll make me uncomfortable; worst, it will cause an issue.
Later, the classes commence; flawless, smooth and easy. But still, I’m in no mood to talk to anyone at earshot. Mr. Saipudin is explaining something and in my part it’s indecipherable because I’m thinking of other things. What is this feeling? Why am I like this? I know for a fact that this is the aftermath of what happened last night. And last night, I cried because I was thinking of right and wrong. I was thinking of…of…her. But why is it I feel nothing. I feel completely numb. And it completely terrifies me because this not me!
Trigo followed the silent, frustrating, terrifying pattern of the last two hours of being numb. I only felt relief when I saw her outside our room one minute before dismissal, but it faded completely. It makes no difference, unless maybe more remote. It makes no difference because we don’t see eye to eye. We exist but not together. We are like two clocks ticking but not in unison.
Everything has already changed.
Then, my friend can no longer hold her silence. She then grabbed my hand and asked for a walk. I didn’t answer; I didn’t even have the strength to protest. I instantly knew that a walk is all I need; with a friend.
She pulled me along to a park at our campus. The sun is just about to set. There’s no autumn in the Philippines; yet, golden-brown leaves are falling from the old oak trees. Solitude seems to overwhelm inside me; I really can’t decipher what to feel. Should I cry? Should I laugh? Should I shout? Should I…should I…?
Without knowing, I started to cry. My friend was silent, until she saw me weeping. She broke the silence that has existed since this morning.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” she asked; hesitantly.
“Yes. I guess I really want to.” Sobbing, I answered her query.
Some walk. Now, we talk.
I told her everything I wanted to burst out since last night. I started from the point that I really love her. I really do. And it pains me inside every time I see her there, living life like nothing is happening. Like nothing is wrong. While me, I’m living life like I’m dying. And the point that she thinks of me as a friend – only friend – is really different. I took a deep breath. This was an acceptable option. I thought I was prepared – prepared to accept the fact that friends is all that we can be – but the truth is…I’m not.
The image in my mind played like a movie that kills me softly.
She was standing in front of me, staring at me with expressionless eyes; statue like. While I’m just there, afraid of what she has to say – my heart is pounding and hands shaking.
“I don’t like you. You are no good for me. I don’t need you. Without you? My world would go on turning; a world that’s full of happiness you couldn’t even imagine I’m experiencing.” She spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what she was really trying to say.
The words repeated themselves in my mind. And without knowing, it really pains a lot. It really kills a lot.
She. Doesn’t. Want. Me.
She. Doesn’t. Need. Me.
She. Would. Live. Without. Me.
I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order. I stared, uncomprehending, into her eyes. Tears started to gush down my already swollen eyes.
She stared back with eyes so cold and unapologetic.
I snap out the image from my mind. I told my friend everything. She could’ve left me there weeping to death. But no! She was there by my side, ready to comfort me as I sat and wept.
Later that night, I feel like my feet were wobbly. I made my way to my room and slump myself to the floor, leaning against my bed. I hugged my knees; placed my chin against my knee caps.
I felt the smooth wooden floor beneath me. I hoped I was fainting, but to my disappointment, I didn’t lose consciousness. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.
I did not resurface.