Tonight, is just the same as those other nights I’ve spent alone in my apartment, sitting alone in front of my marble-polished fireplace, savoring the warmth it’s giving me. The weather outside is cold as ice, especially when you don’t have someone to spend your time and turn the cold night to a warm one. It’s really a great comfort to be here inside and… just be alone. To reminisce the past which you can’t turn back, to spend the rest of the time regretting all the things that you didn’t do that you could have done.
As I nestled myself in my soft Italian sofa, I couldn’t help but to fall into the slumber that I have been waiting for several hours now. As I close my eyes, I saw nothing but darkness with the small white shinning thing scattered everywhere. Estrellas, I thought. But as I fall deeper into this slumber, memories came into my mind. Memories that I have been trying to block, trying hard not to think about, and trying hard not bring back for it brings the feelings that make me cry all night long. Yes, I am at home, but this time, it’s like this home is not a home – because there’s no one there by your side to love all the hurt away.
Time seems to rush back from the time where I could’ve done so many things in my life. Things that, I know, would’ve made me feel better.
Another day has come, but why didn’t the moon come out last night? Did she get lost? I hope not. Another day to go to school with only hope in my pocket that this day would bring something different like nothing happened before.
The boy’s name is John. He is an ordinary senior student in our school. He is not the type of guy that would go hunting girls at the school canteen, nor he’s not the type that would play jokes on you, nor, he’s not the type of guy that other not-in-the-right-state-of-mind-guy would do. The bottom-line is, he’s smart, he’s handsome, and he’s the fairy tale that I want, the dream when I’m not sleeping.
John is not a sporty type of guy, but he’s a chess player of our school – that’s another plus. And John happens to be not just a schoolmate of mine, but…. he’s my classmate.
Time seems to slow down as I approach our room. I know John wouldn’t still be there, but the mere thought of him, as he crosses my mind, makes me plunge into a daydream played in a slow motion.
I settled to my seat and seated there for some time. Waiting for the dream I am always dreaming.
My friends knew about my feelings for John – not that it’s too obvious for them to notice, but I trust my friends. They are not the type of friends that would spill the beans. Today in English class, I am seated together with Thereze, one of my friends. I feel guilty seating together with her. Why? She’s a very good friend of mine, yet, I still didn’t confide to her my secret.
“Teej?” I asked her to get her attention. She’s still doing an activity when I told her. “Can we talk? Like a very… really personal talk?”
“Like duh! Sure!” she enthusiastically replied.
“The thing is… I’m in love,” there! I now told her…but not all yet.
“With whom, silly?”
“With…with…wait…wait…please don’t laugh. Promise me!” I pleaded.
Teejay said nothing, I continued.
“I’m in love with John. There!”
I told her what I like about John, that when he passes by me, I couldn’t keep my eyes off him – like magnets. That I see butterflies whenever he’s around, that he’s the wish I’m wishing on a shooting star every night, that he’s my Edward in my unsettled life. That when I’m seeing him, all the negative energies around me turn into a positive one. That his smile can cure all my maladies – even cancer.
Teejay listened attentively, nodding and agreeing when it’s the right time to. But unfortunately, our tete-a-tete has been overheard by the last person we would like to share our conversation with – Clven. A good friend of John and not to think, a blackmailer.
And there it goes without saying…the day that I thought would bring a different happening really did bring one – a very good one to be exact!
The following day, at Geometry class, it’s Carol’s turn to sit by me. But she has to go on conversing with another classmate which is seated at the far corner of the room. Sigh. Now I’m left there alone to sit by myself with nothing to do, with no one to talk to, and with no one to ——-
“Hey!” I know that voice – that voice that brings melody into my ears whenever he’s talking, the voice that I knew very well. Like a distant bell that when it chimes, it seems so near. John.
What’s he doing here sitting beside me? What’s happening to me?! I can’t breathe; my chest seems to forget how to do so. My heart, just a while ago I could feel it beating, but now? It stopped! Hope that he will not notice that I am blushing, for if he does, then all will fall out of the line.
“Oh hey,” I pretended that nothing is going on. “Can I help…err…you?” gulp.
“Oh…nothing. I just…can I sit here beside you? Carol is like, having a conversation with Aubrey. A girl one actually. I’m afraid that—“he stopped…for I raised a finger to interrupt him from his speech.
“Why don’t you just sit down? Would that help you?” what’s happening? It seems that this is so natural, like no feeling exist between me and John. So he sat down beside me. For a moment we remain silent…next second, he broke the silence between us.
“Is it true?” he asked.
“True? What’s true?” I tried to sound conversational.
“What Clven had said?” Uh-oh! From the corner of my eye I saw Teejay starring at the both of us. And inside my head, I could now hear the both of us singing the litany of the saints, calling them to help me out of this.
“I’m not sure that I understand what you are saying?”
“He told me that…err…you…have…feelings…for…” he paused.
I laughed and he laughs with me. “What’s funny?” he asked.
“Yes! It’s true. But if I tell you all about it, would it make any difference? Would the result be, that you and I can be a couple?” I looked at him; he seems surprised by my instantaneous honest response.
I chose to be honest rather than to play the bull’s game. I believe that people should understand things the way it is and honesty is a great factor to it. That’s the language of life.
“I don’t know. Hmm…”
John was silent for a while. He seems to be thinking something that will keep our conversation going. I don’t like to open a topic because as of that moment, I feel like dying already by just sitting beside the person of my dreams, the person that changed my world, the person that I would always see the right things even if everyone will insist that it’s wrong, is the most wonderful moment of my life.
“But why me? Why someone like me…a bad boy, a boy who would always look or DOTA even if he has a girlfriend. Why me?” his question startled me.
I heaved a huge sigh and then, “Is that what you think of yourself? A bad boy? A DOTA-indulge guy?”
“Yyeeeeaaaahhhh…I guess I am?”
“Well, let’s see. Why you? You know John, love is a very broad feeling. It transcends all the feelings that have ever existed in this world. Most importantly, love doesn’t transcend gender or character.
“You said that you are a bad boy, well I believe in that. Don’t worry. But what I do believe the most is, inside a bad boy’s heart and mind, a good boy is nestled, waiting for someone that would wake that part of him. The one that would accept him no matter what he is and will not change him for who he is.”
“Even if he’s a DOTA-indulge guy?”
“Yes John… even if he’s a DOTA-indulge guy.
The bell rang and I am back to the reality. The teacher collected our workbook. The class had ended – and so as our conversation, a conversation that I would never forget.
I wake up with moist on my eyes. Then suddenly think of the dream I had.
After that day, what was left of us is just friendship – a friendship that will last until the end of time. A friendship unlike a relationship that if you break-up would end. John and I are very good friends, and by the look of it, I never regret the decision I made that brought me face to face with these feelings I am feeling right now.
Yes! Sometimes the feelings would come wherein you will think that “what if it was me and him?” it’s inevitable. My feelings for John never died… it never made over the years that have passed. But I am contented of what we have right now. And that’s the thing that I would never want to destroy.